There is absolutely no other way to describe it.  All of me is aching: mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I just spent a few days visiting my sister in Virginia.  I could feel a cold ache surrounding my heart while I was there, and it accompanied me back home.  I can't shake it.

I have things I don't want, while I long for other things that are beyond my grasp.  The lying, both the lies I am telling and the lies others are telling me, is overwhelming.  I don't want to do it anymore, but I have reached a point where I feel like I don't know any other way.  I'm exhausted and I need a helping hand.  Hopefully, an outstretched savior will soon appear.

Date:	2009-05-11 15:34
Subject:	I am not happy
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

Ugh.  I do not want to write another pathetic, downtrodden entry, so I try to resist it.  Yet, I don't know where else to go because I don't want to unload on anyone I know.  I don't want the world to know how I am completely and totally unhappy.  There are so many forces at work (some trivial, some not) that I don't know where to begin.  I do know that I need to learn how to better cope with all this junk.

I want to feel like I used to feel years ago, but I cannot determine what was so different then.  Maybe nothing.  Maybe I was just unaware of everything that happens when I am not around.  Maybe I was too naive to realize when someone doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.  Maybe I was stupid and oblivious and it's easier to be happy that way.

Every day I think about how I need to fix this mess, but I don't know where to begin.  I have no issue admitting that I would benefit from seeing a psychologist a few times (and more if needed) to try and get things back on track.  But where do I begin?  How do I find the right person?  How can I find out what approach will be best for me and help me understand whatever it is that has been weighing me down for the past few months?  The task isn't all encompassing, but it's nothing to take lightly either.  When you already feel like you are drowning in the day-to-day activities, how can you manage to take on another chore?

Each day ends with me wanting to cry.  Sometimes I give in, and let it happen, in hopes that it will make me feel better.  It never does.  Sometimes I fight it because I realize how silly I am being... that doesn't help either.

Looking back, I feel like every decision I have made in my life is wrong.  I jokingly say to friends that I want a redo, only I'm not actually joking.  If I could start again, I would.  Everything from high school on would be different.  And  you know what?  Maybe it wouldn't be any better.  Maybe it would turn out worse than it is right now, who knows?  

What I do know is that I am not happy.

Philadelphia is planning to increase my property taxes.  No big deal.

Philadelphia is planning to increase my property taxes A LOT.  Meh, I'm fortunate enough to be able to afford the increase.  I know many people may not be as fortunate.

People who own the multi-million dollar condos in Center City will still be privy to the tax abatement that is applied to new construction/ major rehab work.  It's a bit annoying, but that's life. 

But I have a couple questions....

Why is it a 10 year tax abatement?  Ten years seems like a really long amount of time to me.  I know things cannot be changed retrospectively, I'm just curious as to how the city arrived at that number in the first place.

What good is raising property taxes, if the city never forces citizens to pay what they owe?  Philadelphia is owed millions in back taxes from both private residents and businesses alike. Raising property taxes is certainly a more immediate approach when compared to trying to collect on all the back taxes that are owed.  However if so many people are not paying their current taxes, what makes anyone in the administration think they are ever going to see the money for the new, increased taxes?

I have so many things I want to say.  While nothing truly monumental is happening in my life, I have been experiencing things with startling intensity.  Every day I think about coming to my journal and recording these fleeting moments so I have something to look back on as the time passes.  However, I feel impotent every time I try to write.  The skills I have to capture my experiences and feelings are inadequate.  There is no eloquence on intrigue when I write.  I long for the ability to write the words that allow others to understand how I feel.

This new way of experiencing life has left me raw and tired.  The experiences are not necessarily bad ones, but really feeling things and trying to take it all in is exhausting.  I frequently feel as though I have just finally figured out how to really LIVE my life- as though the rest of the world has felt this way for eternity and it took me almost 26 years to catch up.

Sometimes life is beautiful.  Amidst the mediocrity and the anxiety lie some beautiful moments.  We just have to look a little harder.

I know what I need to do.

Date:	2009-01-13 15:24
Subject:	Nothing has ever felt so true
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

To think of my task is chilling.
To know I was carefully building the mask I was
wearing for two years, swearing I'd tear it off.
I've sat in the dark explaining to myself that I'm
straining too hard for feelings I ought to find easily.

Called myself Jezebel.
I don't believe.

Before I say that the vows we made weigh like a
stone in my heart.
Family is family, don't let this tear us apart.

You lie there, an innocent baby.
I feel like the thief who is raiding your home,
entering and breaking and taking in every room.
I know your feelings are tender and that inside you
the embers still glow.
But I'm a shadow, I'm only a bed of blackened coal.
Call myself Jezebel for wanting to leave.

I'm not saying I'm replacing love for some other
word to describe the sacred tie that bound me to
you.
I'm just saying we've mistaken one for thousands of
words.
And for that mistake, I've caused you such pain that
I damn that word.
I've no more ways to hide that I'm a desolate and
empty, hollow place inside.

I'm not saying I'm replacing love for some other
word to describe the sacred tie that bound me to
you.
I'm not saying love's a plaything.
No, it's a powerful word, inspired by strong desire
to bind myself to you.
How I wish that we never had tried to be man and his
wife, to weave our lives into a blindfold over both
our eyes.

Date:	2009-01-02 15:43
Subject:	Welcome 2009
Security:	Public
Mood:	nauseated

The new year is upon us and I feel sick.  Emotionally, mentally, and physically.  While I think I just have to ride out the physical, I need to make changes regarding the mental and emotional.  I am really feeling terrible.  Perhaps I will elaborate more when the nausea subsides.

Date:	2008-12-19 21:13
Subject:	Seriously Philadelphia?
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

The city needed to come up with a way to deal with a one billion dollar deficit.  Mayor Michale Nutter, of who I am not a huge supporter, decided to close libraries, close pools, cut police overtime, close firehouses, stop plowing side streets when it snows, stop tending to Fairmount Park, and not fund the Mummer's Parade.  He knew that none of these decisions would be popular, but he also eliminated government positions and took a (albeit small) pay cut himself.

Since the announcement, people have freaked out about every aspect of his cuts.  The is an ongoing legal battle with the firefighters union regarding the safety of such a decision.  Fair enough.

There is a class action lawsuit regarding the closing of libraries.  While I myself an distraught by the closing of 11 libraries, something had to be done.  Is this really an issue worth suing over?  Is it worth tying up more government resources and money to fight this battle?  Why aren't the people hiring the lawyers putting that money towards helping the city fund the libraries and other programs in need?  At one town hall meeting, some citizens even went so far as to suggest that the city cut police officers in order to keep libraries open.  Seriously?

And then there is the Mummer's Parade.  I understand that is a Philadelphia tradition that "has been going on for over a hundred years," but we are in a fucking financial crisis people.  If the Mummers are such a beloved, time honored Philadelphia tradition, why are they unable to raise enough money to fund the parade themselves?  Personally, I am always amazed that the Mummers are as revered as they since it's a tradition that flaunted blatant racism until the mid 1960's, and even there is the occasion performer in blackface?  Doesn't that bother anyone?  Please, let's make sure we have room in the budget for that.  But it's been around for 106 years!  Yeah?  Well the KKK has been around since 1865 and I don't see anyone claiming that a legitimate reason for continuing the organization. 

Books in schools?  Hell no.  Give us a fucking parade of stringbands on New Years Day.  No wonder the city is in such trouble.

I have no problem with people being upset with the decisions made by Michael Nutter.  I have no problem with demonstrations and protests against such cuts and decisions.  However I think we all need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.  The man inherited a pretty horrendous situation, and he trying his best to fix it while disrupting people's lives as little as possible.

My question is this:  If you are unwilling to give up libraries, the parade, etc., what would be your suggestion for fixing the problem?  We could certainly increase the Wage Tax.  Would that make people happier?  Want to see almost 7% of your money go to the city so that we can all watch a parade on New Year's Day?  I can't say that would sit wel  with me.  Paying more in taxes is fine to improve public transportation, improve schools, keep the police and firefighters employed or help eliminate a massive deficit, but I have to say I draw the line at the Mummer's Parade.

The whole thing is just mind boggling to me.  I honestly do not know where people think this money should come from.  I am open to suggestions, I just haven't heard anything that makes more sense than the current plan.

Date:	2008-12-02 14:31
Subject:	Needs
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive

I have spent every day since then wishing you would come back to me.  Wishing you would realize that we were a good team and that you just needed to have some patience.

Nearly five years have passed since April 6, 2004, and I have spent every day wishing.  Today it finally became clear:  it will never happen.  It wasn't that something was wrong with us.  It wasn't that you thought there was something wrong with who I was.  Yes, you thought you wanted someone else, but our end came long before that.  Looking back objectively, it happened months before that.  Changes so small that they were imperceptible to me.  There was no ill-will or nastiness behind your choice, you were just done.  At some point you realized that I wasn't meant to be yours.  It was a completely rational decision which meant that nothing could ever change that.  Our end was not a separation caused by the heat of the moment; it had been thought through rationally probably for a very long time before you summoned up the courage to act on  it.

There is a dull aching inside my chest today because I too have made a rational decision that I am going to act on.  The hurt isn't crippling for I got used to it long ago, but it aches more than usual today.  I have decided to stop wishing- to fill my time doing more useful things- but I feel scared.  Afraid you will think I am turning my back on you.  I need you to know that I still love you, that I still love you but needed to make a choice.

I don't know why, but I do.

I need you to know that I still love you.

Date:	2008-11-24 19:20
Subject:	Good grief
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent

The older I get, the more I turn into an angsty teenager.  I don't like it.

How do I change it?

I wish I knew.


I need a change.  I need to get away from here for a while.  But where would I go?  And what about my job? 

Sad.

Remember when we were naive, and young and loved every minute of every day that was spent with each other?  I miss that more than anything in the world.  Recently I can't tell if I miss you, or I miss the blissful enjoyment of life our relationship brought for a few years.  I want to feel that all encompassing happiness again.  Looking back on it now, it was an amazing way to live life and I didn't really understand that then.

Things are going well.  I have felt happier in the past few days than I can remember feeling in a long time.  The heat in the house has been fixed, and although it cost more than I would have liked, the ability to go to bed without 32 extra blankets at night is worth every penny.

Last night, Lori came down and we went to dinner and did a little bit of Christmas shopping.  I have more done than I realized.  Still need to get out and buy Christmas cards.  I no longer feel I can tack my name on my parents' cards since I own my own home now.

Things are going well but I still feel like something is missing.  I wonder if there is something out there that will make me feel fulfilled once I accomplish it, or whether I am going to lamely spend the rest of my life feeling slighty dissatisfied?

Date:	2008-11-17 10:07
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town, another everything
But it's always back to you
Stumble out in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up Baby
Give it up, give it up now, now

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time
But its time that I'm wasting
I always turn the car around

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around

Date:	2008-11-13 10:23
Subject:	Yikes
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

To answer the question I hear every day: Because I don't know how to be alone.

I am 25 years old. If I count only my last two relationships (ignoring all the short ones from high school), I have spent 36% of my life in serious relationships.

Terrifying, really. I think I need to learn more about myself.

Date:	2008-11-01 18:57
Subject:	Let Down
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry

Someone has stolen my identity. Super.

This latest development is making my head hurt....a lot. I canceled all my credit cards, and called the police to file a formal report in case this turns out to be much larger than credit card issues. This person knows where I live, has my home phone number (which no one but me and my mother have), and has my email address. Ugh.

Did I mention that I called the police to file a report at 5:00pm? Did I mention that it is now 7:00pm and no one has shown up? I understand that my matter is not an emergency. I also understand that I live in a city that has much larger issues at hand. I just wish someone had said, "Hey, it's a lot easier if you come to the office and fill out all the paperwork," because I am supposed to go out tonight and I don't know if I should keep waiting here for the cops or not.

What makes this even less tolerable is that I have been working from home all weekend. So I was already doing something un-enjoyable, only to be interrupted by something even less enjoyable. This weekend officially stinks.

Date:	2008-10-13 11:27
Subject:	Reflection
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

I was just thinking about how many friends I lost because of my relationship with Rick. Usually this sort of thing doesn't bother me- I don't regret my choices. Sure, after 5 years our relationship ended, but those friends weren't worth my time if they couldn't accept us.

Four years later, it's so easy for people to tell me I should have never chosen Rick over a bunch of bratty high school girls. Maybe they are right. However, I believe he made me a better person than I would have been if I had stayed with that catty crowd.

It's just a little disheartening sometimes. Rick and I are still good friends, but now all those people that hated me because of him are his friends while I'm still shunned because I took a stand. I'm strong enough that I can get past all that.

I just wish he had any understanding of what I gave up for him. And not in the "I wish he loved me, or had never left me, or blah, blah, blah." I mean that in the sense that just the slightest indication that he understands what true friends mean to me, would make a world of difference in how I look back on things.

I do not regret the decisions that I made and sometimes, just sometimes, it would be nice to know that he appreciated what I have done.

Date:	2008-10-08 14:47
Subject:	Sometime Around Midnight (Airborne Toxic Event)
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic

And it starts...
sometime around midnight
or at least that's when
you lose yourself
for a minute or two

As you stand...
under the barlights
and the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while
and the piano's this melancholy soundcheck
to her smile
And that white dress she's wearing
you haven't seen her
for a while

But you know...
that she's watching
She's laughing, she's turning
she's holding her tonic like a crux
The room suddenly spinning
she walks up and asks how you are
so you can smell her perfume
you can see her lying naked in your arms

And so there's a change...
in your emotions
and all of these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind
of the curl of your bodies
like two perfect circles entwined
and you feel hopeless, and homelss
and lost in the haze
of the wine

And she leaves...
with someone you don't know
but she makes sure you saw her
she looks right at you and bolts
As she walks out the door
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes
and when your friends say what is it
you look like you've seen a ghost

And you walk...
under the streetlights
and you're too drunk to notice
that everyone is staring at you
and you so care what you look like
the world is falling
around you

You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her

and you know that she'll break you
in two

Date:	2008-09-26 13:50
Subject:	Listen up Philadelphia... I have something important to say
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

Stop killing each other. Just stop.

I don't care if you're killing a rival, a police officer, a subway rider, or an old man walking down the street. It has to stop.

Yes, I realize that homicide rates are down compared to last year, but that isn't good enough. Riding the subway shouldn't be synonymous with taking your life in your hands.

You're mad. You're disenfranchised. You were disrespected. You can't get a break. I get it. But how does killing the next guy improve upon your situation? You're still mad. You're still disenfranchised. You are still disrespected. You most certainly will not catch a break now.

I have always loved my city. It has always left like home to me, felt safe to me and to 1.5 million other people.

So just stop killing each other.

I am watching the Women's Finals of U.S. Open right now. I love tennis, and I am aware that tenis training begins young. However, I was unaware that tennis apparently along the same lines as gymnastics anymore. Case and point, one of the commentators just said that Jankovic was a "late bloomer" because she didn't start playing tennis seriously until she nine years old.

What?! Who is taking anything seriously at nine?




In unrelated news, my sidewalk collapsed and my dog tore her other ACL. Anyone who wants to make a donation is more than welcome. Sigh.

I wish I had an interesting story to share, but I don't.

All I have is a best friend who cannot stop hitting on my cousins via the internet. I don't know why it bothers me but it does. Actually I do know why it bothers me. It's the same (and only) reason that the two of us ever fight. I am madly in love him and he's not in love with me. Despite all that I know about him, nevermind the fact that he is just an overgrown child, ignoring his propensity for cheating and his desire to flirt with anyone with boobs-- I still love him. I don't want to, and it makes me hate myself. It's lame. I know it's lame, and I wonder if I will ever grow up.

Maybe I just haven't found my match yet.

Date:	2008-07-25 21:57
Subject:	.....
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

I am just so tired. More tired than I have ever been. No matter what I do I feel exhausted and fatigued. I am stressed and I am overwhelmed.

Overall life is going very well. I bought a house in June, and I have finally gotten myself sorted out. Most of my things are unpacked and looking good. There is a lot to change. I plan to repaint most of the rooms, but not until Fall.

My job is going pretty well. There is a ton of work, and I frequently feel stressed out. However, my whole team is struggling with the workload, so at least I am not alone. Although, I would prefer to not bring home work every evening.

To be honest, I feel like I am doing all these good things with my life, but that I have no one to share them with. I mean, I am still with E but.... it's hard to explain. He feels as though he isn't at all where he wants to be with his life- so I don't want to talk about how great I am doing. And I don't think that he would disagree with the statement that he is a bit resentful of what I have achieved. We had a pretty big fight about a week ago, and I don't think I have gotten over it. Who knows if I will ever get over it? If after almost four years together, someone tells you that they don't trust you, it doesn't sit well. Seems like I have choices I need to make. These choices are making me feel ill, and tired, and overwhelmed.